faking attention

An example, according to the book, of faking attention is when a teacher tells the class to "pay attention!" and the class tries to or fakes paying attention in class.  I think this is such an important thing because at one time or another we all do it.  We often give the nodding of the head and the nonverbal cues to make it seem that we are paying attention but we really aren't.  This happens all the time during practices for sports teams. We might discuss a play or go over the game plan, and you ask "does everyone get it?"  Of course everyone says yes, but by the time the game comes, they are lost on the court.  I've seen it happen all the time.  Then, you have to call a timeout and rip them for not paying attention to the pre-game instructions.  There is nothing more frustrating for a coach then a team that doesn't listen.  The only real way to fix this, and any of these problems about listening is to just LISTEN.  Yes, a lot of it has to do with interest, but when other people are counting on you to do the right thing, then it even comes more important to pay attention to instructions.

Interpreting the message

The most recent problem i had was interpreting the message.  There are times where i feel that people are trying to convey a message to me but i interpret it another way.  An example of this was when i was coaching.  At halftime of a basketball game that, my team was down by a lot.  We were playing without enthusiasm and without passion.  So, my halftime speech went a little like this; "Guys, what are you doing out there?  You guys aren't playing up to your potential.  We practice hard and shouldn't be down by this much. I want you to start playing more physical.  Start banging down low.  I want you to play with fierce and guile. None of this weak stuff.  Hustle and make a play!  Take it into your own hands and make a play and win!"  As my team was pumped up to play the second half, they totally got mixed messages.  As soon as they got on they were pushing the other team throwing elbows.  I had to bring my team back and ask them, "what are you doing?"  They replied, "we are being more physical, coach."  I didn't mean in a sense of playing dirty, but that was how they got the message.  As the game progressed, i had a kid start taking all the shots, and the team was getting frustrated because he wasn't sharing the ball.  Again, i had to pull him to the side and ask him what he thought he was doing.  he replied, "coach, i'm trying to bring back the team. even you said, 'take it in to your own hands.'"  There was a mixed message out there.  They were all taking things a bit to literal.  They didn't know that i meant to work as a team and that when i meant play more physical, i meant that they should play harder on defense.  totally my fault on trying to convey a certain message.

Listening

I would say selective attention is the most troubling some for me.  There would be times i would sit in my group or team, and someone would try to voice an opinion about what we should do differently.  There were times where i would hear the first 2 or 3 sentences and then say to myself, "What the hell is this guy talking about?"  I would then ignore him and phase him/her out.  I feel that if we don't share the same ideas, or their ideas aren't even close to my ideas, then i wouldn't listen.  I guess i am very dominant in my ideas and that my ideas are pretty good.  But, if there ideas are way off, then i tend to not care for their input.  A way to solve this problem is to try to analyze and break down what one person is saying, and try to get the main message from the speaker.  I think that i dismiss people to soon and that i should really hear them out first before i tend to pass on their opinions.  Another way of solving this problem would be to ask questions and have them explain things that may not make sense, or maybe even challenge their ideas.  So, maybe their ideas conflict or our outrageous.  You could ask them to how they came up with that idea or how it is helpful, in a respectful manner of course.  But, i think the very first thing is to try to get a deeper understanding before you tune them out.  

Humor

i think humor is a key part to a lot of healthy group and team communication.  First, it starts off as a great ice breaker.  it allows the group members to feel more at ease and comfortable, instead of feeling like you're dealing with a hard-ass.  Second, at times there may be tension that might going on within a group, so laughing off something could be an alternative to taking the serious route.  Lastly, humor is great because it's a good tool to use to help get messages across sometimes.

on the other hand, humor can be a device that distracts the group.  there might be times when you have those class clowns or those comedians who try to make everything into a joke.  the problem with that is that people may view that person as obnoxious and someone who is cooperating with the group.  I'm pretty sure we have had those people in our groups throughout our life time that just try to be overly funny, and instead of being an asset to the group, they become just an ass.  I think it is important to have a balance of humor and seriousness.  It helps people calm down and sometimes we may look for that person to kind of set the mood or tone with the group when times are rough with the group.

Proxemics and chronemics

Proxemics is the study of how we use space to communicate.  chronemics is the study of the use of time.  I think there are universal rules to these concepts.  For spacing, i think standing too close too people, no matter in what culture, would cross some sort of personal boundary.  For example, have you ever been in an altercation where things get real heated?  Ever been to a club or play a sport where you feel you got violated in someway?  Maybe you brought a date to the club and a guy starts to try to hit on your girl. Or maybe you are playing a game of basketball and somebody fouls you hard and you take it personal.  Well, i've seen and been in these types of scenarios and the first thing i see is the person who was violated come up really close to the person and gets in their face.  That example their is an indication of anger and violation has occurred and that maybe a verbal or physical confrontation will occur.  Of course, the person who is in their face feels violated because that person is disrupting his own space of comfort.  In chronemics, i think everybody values time, but maybe not as much as western society does.  In America, like the book says, "time is money."  But i think punctuality is key in all societies.  I'm pretty sure in developed countries, most or all businesses have an open and closed times.  In accordance to group, time is key.  I used to hate it when people would come to my practice late.  The players would be distracting to the practice that is already going on and they missed part of practice, in which a coach values every second of practice because every second is viewed as time spent learning.  so, yes, i do  think time has universal rules.

2 principles of nonverbal communication

1)  Our nonverbal communication affects the quality of our relationships.
      If there is one thing i know about relationships, it would definitely be about nonverbal communication.  I call out my past girlfriends and players i used to coach on nonverbal behaviors i didn't like.  For instance, if i complained to my past girlfriends how i didn't like something, they would roll their eyes at me.  I hated it!!!  It made me feel disrespected, as if they were to say, "i don't do that," or "who cares that you don't like it," or "whatever."  It made the quality of our relationship bad because i felt the respect was being given off in both directions.
      Another example would have to be with my kids that i coach.  If ever i scolded one of my kids for making an incorrect play, i could start to see shoulder's slump and eyes starting to tear up.  Then, on top of that, they don't run as hard or try as hard and you could read the body language on how my coaching has affected them.  The quality of our relationship turns sour because the kid feels like i'm picking on him or that i don't like him.  In return, he's not going to show me any respect towards me.  So, i have to learn how to get my point across without having to kill his spirit.

2)  research suggests that women and men differently decode nonverbal cues
     I have to totally agree with this.  I love to study about how men and women pick up on each other.  It is so fascinating that people come up with all these theories about the signs that each other give to signify that they like each other.  For men, they say that if a women laughs and touches your knee, that she considers it flirting and she likes you.  So, men jump on that, but all a women might be giving off is that she's friendly.  A women might think a guy likes her because a guy may usher a woman in by stroking the lower back as she comes in.  There are so many "codes" that each think they give off, but it's just quite different for everyone.  I personally don't think there is a universal guy/girl code, even though plenty think there is.  Or maybe im wrong hahahaha